So here we are
To be honest, I don’t know what to do with this blog. This is going to be a random jumble of attempts to communicate why it quickly died off.
I started it with the main idea of writing toward the targeted audience of my religious community. My desire was to offer knowledge of environmentalism that aligned with the teachings of the bible in hopes of supporting christians in being consistent in their beliefs. I wanted to share how taking steps to care for our environment through lifestyle changes and holding corporations and governments accountable for the injustices done aligns with the belief that god instructed humans to care for the most vulnerable creatures and seek justice when holding decision making power. I needed an outlet to attempt to sort out the inconsistencies I was discovering.
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For as long as I can remember, I almost always had someone in my life that I had to take care of. I was never responsible for just myself. But when covid hit, I didn't have anyone but myself to take care of. I had not yet learned how to take care of myself. So, when suddenly all I had was me to take care of, I needed something else to focus my energy on. Enter my obsession with environmentalism.
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Over the past two years-ish I have been in a safe place to begin processing, healing, and developing emotional maturity that could never have happened in my old environments. I am learning for the first time how to take care of myself. Better yet, I am learning how to do it well. Environmentalism is still very important, needed, and still something I care very much about. However, there are so many voices saying all the things, we need only to listen.
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As I dug into more environmentalism, the more I realized that environmentalism and religion intersected with other social systems that could not be overlooked. Religion and environmentalism cannot be examined in a vacuum separate from the intersection of other social systems.
I began to examine my life long personal beliefs. Beliefs that I had held onto so tightly. But within the broader scope of intersectionality and as I began reading and listening to voices different from my own, who I am began to finally develop out of the box I had been handed to exist in. I began to develop values and goals separate from the dominating voices of people who have never lived my life experiences. As these values developed, I had to walk away from the religious communities I had been a part of my entire life. Our values did not align. My voice was not a welcomed one anymore.
For the first time in my life I slowed down long enough to breathe.
There was no area of beliefs that were safe from examination. Everything I was given to believe needed reexamined. For the first time in my life I did not need to have all the answers. I did not need to have the right answer. I just needed to breathe and be.
It’s been over two years since I have been a committed part of a religious community. I would argue that a person should not have to be a specific member of a particular community to have their voice heard, but knowing humans, we do not always enjoy listening to voices that challenge the very core of our beliefs and life structure.
Now I’m left with this very short lived blog and some unachievable goals I once believed in.
So for the hell of it, here are some things I have learned in the silence since my last blog post.
Sundays are my favorite day of the week. I love the peace I now experience on Sundays. Having an extra weekend day to get stuff done around the house and visit with family and friends before starting a new work week has been the rest and recharge my mental health has needed. Every Sunday I make “fancy breakfast” with my partner and take my dog, Teddy, for a hike. This new pattern has allowed me to watch the seasons change week by week and bask in the peace I never found inside a church.
White Christians (in the communities I have been a part of) are very unaware of their privilege and strive to maintain the comfort and security white supremacy provides them. Many are not willing to examine their lives to see the privilege and racism of their beliefs. They continue to promote toxic systems of colonization masked by evangelism and discipleship. Two things which are strongly encouraged and celebrated in the communities I was once a member of.
Not having a deity who requires me to act a certain way leaves me free to choose to do good things. In religion I was required to follow certain rules and requirements. There was always the fear of hell and judgment from church people if you stepped one foot out of line. My mental health, my stress levels, my anxiety levels, have never ever been better.
When you make friends at church, it’s really hard to keep those friends once you leave. Even the good ones. Your lives go different directions. Your married friends don’t wanna talk to you about marriage stuff because even though you’re in a committed adult relationship, you haven’t had the magic words spoken so your experiences are invalid. When you don’t want kids, it leaves little in common with old friends who believe having kids is god’s will and design for women.
Christians do not see as valid anything that does not align with their beliefs. Be it a relationship, a career choice, or even simple things like preparing food.
I care more about other people and creatures than I used to while religious. I have more empathy for suffering. I see myself as a part of the world, shared with all of nature. Compared to my days in religious communities where the first (and often arguably the most important) step was prayer. That does nothing.
A lot of generational family trauma is passed down through religious beliefs and practices. Sometimes the two are so intertwined they are impossible to separate.
The randomness above was written roughly six months ago. Today I have decided to shut down and delete this blog. I’ll leave it up for a hot minute for this post to simmer but then I’ll delete it. I’ve got bigger and better things I am working on that better align with both current and future goals.
Lissa rants are not completely going away. :)
Keep learning lovelies.
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